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peteknopp
Top Contributors
Joined: 20/December/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 3432
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Topic: Avril wanted a joke! Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:33 |
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director how you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or
the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the
plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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AdiLee
Newbie
Joined: 01/September/2008
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 93
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:35 |
The old ones are the best
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AdiLee
Newbie
Joined: 01/September/2008
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 93
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:36 |
Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? SNOWBALLS!!!!
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peteknopp
Top Contributors
Joined: 20/December/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 3432
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:39 |
A Woman
was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She
went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.' The
woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention
that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband
will get times ten!' The
woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world. The
frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the
most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock
to'. The
woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he
will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the
world! For her
second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The
frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will
be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's
mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the
world! The
frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.' Moral
of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention
female readers: This
is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and continue feeling good. Male
readers: Please
scroll down. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... The man
had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral
of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart. Let
them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If
you are a woman and are still reading this......it only goes to show that women
never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a
love.
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AdiLee
Newbie
Joined: 01/September/2008
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 93
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:42 |
pete,never has a truer word been said in jest
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peteknopp
Top Contributors
Joined: 20/December/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 3432
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:43 |
Thank God for copy and paste. it would take me years to type in
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AdiLee
Newbie
Joined: 01/September/2008
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 93
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:47 |
I wonder how many women have logged off.................Only 3 weeks & 6 days to go
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Avril
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/February/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 4434
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:56 |
Hee, hee, Well done Pete, think it's time for some light hearted banter for xmas - think you should put ya own bloody kettle on mind, ya lazy ................!!
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Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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Avril
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/February/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 4434
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 23:16 |
Woman looks in mirror and turns to her hubby. I'm old, fat and ugly she says - give me a compliment to cheer me up. He looks at her and replies " your eye sight's spot on" ............
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Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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gerry
Senior Member
Joined: 07/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 551
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 23:37 |
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
" Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. > "What are those", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything"
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 23:45 |
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Avril
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/February/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 4434
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Posted: 17/December/2008 at 23:48 |
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Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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IAN&RIT
Regular
Joined: 16/March/2008
Location: ----------------
Status: Offline
Points: 37
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Posted: 18/December/2008 at 01:09 |
1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive.....so, I took her to a petrol station ..... and that's how the fight started....
2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Tennent's lager for £7.00. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £4.50. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started.
3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have got disability, too'. And that's how the fight started.....
4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating THAT long?' And that's how the fight started.....
5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it .... he was a DWARF !!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one ARE you?' And that's how the fight started.....
6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started.....
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From the left hand seat
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Guests
Guest
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Posted: 18/December/2008 at 09:00 |
" KNOCK KNOCK "
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 18/December/2008 at 10:48 |
POST DELETED, Wouldnt like to upset anyone.
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