Avril wanted a joke!
Printed From: Albufeira.com
Category: Tourism / Turismo
Forum Name: Users Chit Chat / Conversa entre Utilizadores
Forum Description: Topic area unrelated to Albufeira / Área de Tópicos não relacionados com Albufeira
URL: https://albufeira.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=2434
Printed Date: 25/December/2024 at 07:41
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Topic: Avril wanted a joke!
Posted By: peteknopp
Subject: Avril wanted a joke!
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:33
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The Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: AdiLee
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:35
The old ones are the best  ------------- only one week to go |
Posted By: AdiLee
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:36
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Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? SNOWBALLS!!!! ------------- only one week to go |
Posted By: peteknopp
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:39
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A Woman
was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She
went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.' The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!' The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.' Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this......it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love. -------------
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Posted By: AdiLee
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:42
pete,never has a truer word been said in jest ------------- only one week to go |
Posted By: peteknopp
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:43
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Thank God for copy and paste. it would take me years to type in
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Posted By: AdiLee
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:47
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I wonder how many women have logged off.................Only 3 weeks & 6 days to go ------------- only one week to go |
Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 22:56
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Hee, hee, Well done Pete, think it's time for some light hearted banter for xmas - think you should put ya own bloody kettle on mind, ya lazy ................!! ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 23:16
Woman looks in mirror and turns to her hubby. I'm old, fat and ugly she says - give me a compliment to cheer me up. He looks at her and replies " your eye sight's spot on" ............ ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 23:37
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is. " Top of the mornin to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. > "What are those", asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on God's earth are dey for." inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything" |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 23:45
 
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Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 17/December/2008 at 23:48
http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=_undefined"> http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb098_ZCYYYYYYYYGB&utm_id=7926"> ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: IAN&RIT
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 01:09
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1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her somewhere expensive.....so, I took her to a petrol station ..... and that's how the fight started.... 2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Tennent's lager for £7.00. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £4.50. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started. 3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have got disability, too'. And that's how the fight started..... 4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating THAT long?' And that's how the fight started..... 5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it .... he was a DWARF !!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one ARE you?' And that's how the fight started..... 6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started..... ------------- From the left hand seat |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 09:00
| " KNOCK KNOCK " |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 10:48
POST DELETED, Wouldnt like to upset anyone. |
Posted By: administrator
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 12:49
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Any jokes about or related to Albufeira anyone...? Please understand we’re not telling anyone to quit participating; it’s just a request from several users and visitors not to wander off so much from the information they’re looking for and that many have found through the very valuable posts made by regular users on this forum. I hope everyone understand our position and point of view on this issue… ------------- Albufeira.com Admin |
Posted By: peteknopp
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 14:04
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How about losing the Euro 2008 section, not used since July and a bit dated now, and have a topic for natter etc as has been asked for before. Surely a visitor realy seeking info would not bother clicking on a topic headed Avril wants a joke and would click more meanigful topics. If the Euro 2008 is replaced, maybe it could be given a name to reflect the not so newsy and info related content that would appear. -------------
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Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 14:45
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Admin : Or would it be ok if we carry this topic on in the Wish List section under either "Good polite fun, informative natter" or "Miscellaneous Chit Chat". I can agree with Petes post that surely a visitor seeking info wouldnt bother clicking on Avril Wants A Joke. Obviously someone complaining is being picky I thinks, but never mind.
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Posted By: administrator
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 15:19
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Ok, a new forum section has been created; it's the last item of Tourism forum:
« Users chit chat » ------------- Albufeira.com Admin |
Posted By: peteknopp
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 16:32
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Thanks
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Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 21:50
| Do you see what you started Avril |
Posted By: janet
Date Posted: 18/December/2008 at 23:32
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Oh Avril this is your "Last Chance" to start being serious on this forum. So lets all be sad and leave our sense of humour out of it. Sorry if that smilie offended anyone. Love from Dolly Parton ------------- owners direct p5473 |
Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 19/December/2008 at 13:51
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Oh bugger, I'm in bother again! Sorreeee! ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 19/December/2008 at 16:02
| Never mind dahling, at least we got a sense of humour,and now our very own topic on Unrelated to Albufeira Chit-Chat, with hopefully no complaints about whats posted on it. |
Posted By: peteknopp
Date Posted: 19/December/2008 at 17:36
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i have been moderated cos someone pm'ed a moderator cos did not like jokes. not the content but the principle of fun!
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Posted By: LIBBY
Date Posted: 19/December/2008 at 22:53
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A big thank you for getting this section started. Life can get a bit too serious sometimes ! Whether it is at home or the Algarve (or for those lucky few who are at home in the Algarve).
You are all a great bunch of guys, helpful and friendly, it has been a pleasure reading your posts and participating in the life of the forum.
 Best wishes to one and all for a wonderful Christmas and New Year.
Libby
(Oooops is this in the wrong section !!!!!!!) ha ha  ------------- Algarve - The closest thing to heaven ! |
Posted By: Milly_Molly
Date Posted: 19/December/2008 at 23:54
I want to say everything that Libby has said up there ^^^^ 
(Thanks Libby!  )
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Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 20/December/2008 at 00:23
Cheers Libby, well said, its nice to be nice and have a good sense of humour, hope you & yours have a wonderful Christmas and a good New Year 2009, or as they say in Portugal Boas festas, Feliz Natal e Ano Novo http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=_undefined"> http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNman000"> http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb112_ZNman000&utm_id=7920"> |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 20/December/2008 at 00:48
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I know that some of you are into quizs, here are some of the mor efunnier answers :- UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you. BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester. BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong. White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis. White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris. THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? GWR FM (Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND) Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The...? Caller: Mohicans. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five? RICHARD AND JUDY Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? A: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. . . Leslie: He makes bread . . . Contestant: Er . ... Leslie: He makes cakes . . . Contestant: Kipling Street? LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific ROCK FM (PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta? JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER?ER ... Three? CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ....Mexico? PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er. .. . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . . Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked? THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough. Gerry |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 20/December/2008 at 20:45
Goodness gracious me ! what is up with people, have they not got anything else bettter to do than to complain, if they dont like what they read then go to another website. we are not forcing them to reading the forums.
If we all stopped the fun and the contributions to the forum then the what would happen, this forum and its users would just dwindle off into obscurity. its the people on here at present what make the forum what it is today. without these people the forum would be rendered useless.
maybe if we all put Albufeira down and gave it nothing but negativity like some folk have done recently then thats ok but to have a bit of fun....oooohhh a big NO-NO.
BANG-OUT-OF-ORDER.
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peteknopp wrote:Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 20/December/2008 at 22:49
TOTALLY AGREE CARLSBERG, HERE'S ONE FOR YA HOPE IT MAKES YA SMILE  :
GIRLS NIGHT OUT:
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realised they both needed to go and have a wee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her knickers, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her knickers on ." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'  The forum seems very quiet at the moment, could it be due to being winter and no-one is flying out for a holiday during these months, or is it because we have some whingers who are putting people off posting, dont know, but its a shame. Its nice to be nice!!!
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Posted By: alan&alice
Date Posted: 20/December/2008 at 22:59
hope you all enjoy this one
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. ------------- http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652 |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 20/December/2008 at 23:04
http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNman000"> Gud one Alan & Alicehttp://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb113_ZNman000&utm_id=7921"> |
Posted By: Milly_Molly
Date Posted: 21/December/2008 at 09:42
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 21/December/2008 at 10:03
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"JAYJAN"
The forum seems very quiet at the moment, could it be due to being winter and no-one is flying out for a holiday during these months, or is it because we have some whingers who are putting people off posting, dont know, but its a shame. Its nice to be nice!!!
I AM NOT GOING AWAY UNTIL THE SUMMER OF "09" BUT THATS NO EXCUSE TO NOT COME ON HERE, IT,S PROBABLY THE LATTER, NO-ONE DARES AIR THEIR VIEWS ANYMORE IN CASE OF A HAND-SLAP.
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Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 21/December/2008 at 23:41
| HI Carlsberg, "don't worry be happy", what about that goel that Robbie Keane scored today, sheer class, if he starts scoring regularly Liverpool will win the title, hope they do it, would make a nice change |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 22/December/2008 at 00:16
| gerry: i agree ROBBIES goal was a cracker but then again so was Van persie's, just a shame we could,nt break down their 10 men. |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 22/December/2008 at 00:53
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Thieves took advantage of the recent "Battle of Britain" Champions League match between Liverpool and Arsenal to burgle two more footballers’ homes.
The first unfortunate victim was Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard. The crooks got away with countless items of football memorabilia including many of Gerrard’s medals. Police are currently on the hunt for two FA Cup winners’ medals, an FA Youth Cup winners’ medal, two League Cup winners’ medals, a Champions League winners’ medal, a UEFA Cup winners’ medal, two European Super Cup winners medals and two Charity Shield winners’ medals. They also took a number of personal awards including PFA Player of the Year and Young Player of the Year, as well as Gerrard’s much-cherished MBE. The other unfortunate player to be targeted was Arsenal’s Cesc Fabregas. Thieves are thought to have escaped with a kettle and a toaster. Carlsberg this joke is to cheer you up, and yes Liverpool should have went on to win when Arsenal went down to 10 men. Me and you could be in BIG TROUBLE because this subject probably should be in the sports section.
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Posted By: mystery
Date Posted: 23/December/2008 at 09:20
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Posted By: micndaz
Date Posted: 23/December/2008 at 13:20
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he would remember easily so that he could log on. The husband was in a rather amorous, playful mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
P...E.....N....I.....S..... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD DENIED.......... NOT LONG ENOUGH |
Posted By: Milly_Molly
Date Posted: 24/December/2008 at 08:36
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LOve it!!!!
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Posted By: janet
Date Posted: 24/December/2008 at 15:37
So he isnt called Bob and lives in Norn Iron then?  ------------- owners direct p5473 |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 24/December/2008 at 15:59
| KNOCK KNOCK ! |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 24/December/2008 at 16:01
| Carlsberg, ring the doorbell instead. |
Posted By: Milly_Molly
Date Posted: 25/December/2008 at 09:03
Whose there? 
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Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 25/December/2008 at 12:44
I WANNUP
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Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 25/December/2008 at 13:24
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IWANNUPLAYSANTACLAUS
Best wishes to everyone on the forums
Boas Festas, Feliz Natal e um prospero Ano Novo
http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNman000">
 http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNman000"> http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb113_ZNman000&utm_id=7921"> |
Posted By: Wireman
Date Posted: 25/December/2008 at 22:43
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IWANNUPOO
(but I'm not going yet Carlsberg,there's a bottle of wine to finish
Wireman ------------- Regular Visitor |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 25/December/2008 at 23:52
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Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 26/December/2008 at 13:46
Excellent Gerry 
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Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 26/December/2008 at 23:50
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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well- dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she asked. ' I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam. 'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' The man replied, 'South Dakota.' 'Really!' she said. 'I have family in South Dakota.' 'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am his attorney. He asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.' The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 02/January/2009 at 14:05
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Should children witness childbirth? Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!" |
Posted By: Wireman
Date Posted: 02/January/2009 at 20:29
Tommy Cooper Joke:Loads more to follow  .Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. ------------- Regular Visitor |
Posted By: Wireman
Date Posted: 03/January/2009 at 16:31
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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' ------------- Regular Visitor |
Posted By: Milly_Molly
Date Posted: 04/January/2009 at 07:39
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An old one that will either give you a laugh or a groan... How do you make a hormone? 
Poke her in the eyes!
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Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 06/January/2009 at 12:22
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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat, and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?.... This animosity?.... This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" |
Posted By: Wireman
Date Posted: 06/January/2009 at 15:09
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A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for. " Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:" Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list. He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth as Silk?" This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the F*** do you want?" The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!" ------------- Regular Visitor |
Posted By: AdiLee
Date Posted: 06/January/2009 at 18:07
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Hi, Wireman, Will have to look out for her when we fly out with ryanair next Tuesday,... ------------- only one week to go |
Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 07/January/2009 at 13:42
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Here's a guddun for those that know me, I'm off the vinho! ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 07/January/2009 at 16:47
| have you been eating porky pies Avril or tellin em. |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 09/January/2009 at 11:08
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Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 09/January/2009 at 22:12
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Hee hee, made me chortle!
Heres one I received by text, not very PC but very apt to Britain at the mo:-
The finest crisp white writing paper,
with hand writing using only the very best ink,
lovingly folded and wrapped,
In an immaculate envelope.........................
This is no ordinary P45, this is a M&S P45 ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 14/January/2009 at 11:09
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Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 14/January/2009 at 16:57
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GUD FOR HER HE BLOODY DESERVED IT http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNman000"> http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb114_ZNman000&utm_id=7922"> http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb097_ZNman000&utm_id=7925"> |
Posted By: Wireman
Date Posted: 14/January/2009 at 22:51
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Gerry
I'm sure there has been a breach of copyright,that has been taken from my autobiography
.While us blokes are beating ourselves up,here's one for the women.
Believe it or not.
Woman has man in it.Mrs has Mr in it.Female has male in it.She has he in it.Madam has Adam in it.No wonder men always want to be inside women!
Men were born between the legs of a woman,yet men spend all their time trying to go back between the legs of a woman!Why?Because there is no place like home!!
Ever notice how all women's problems start with men?
Mental illness,menstrual cramps,mental breakdown,menopause,GUYnecologist and when they have real trouble its a HISterectomomy!!! ------------- Regular Visitor |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 14/January/2009 at 23:47
Very true Wireman , but never had one of those (the last one), but suffered 3 out of 5 of the others) you men are so lucky lucky lucky especially being born between the legs of a woman .... and so it carries on . Comon girls, comments appreciated we gotta stick up for ourselves. Give them men some stick.  . Bet the men got bloody earmuffs are in already, are we talking to ourselves as normal.
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Posted By: Exiledbee2
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:07
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Do we have to put up with these rather pathetic old jokes, Admin get a grip and only allow good new jokes, there again get rid. |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:13
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Hi Exilebdbum2 Who got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning? |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:14
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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £48.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argu ment. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:17
| exiledbee2 get a life this is a topic unrelated to Albufeira everyday life, if you dont want to look at it, dont click your mouse on it, then your non the wiser. Gerry he or she gets out of the wrong side of the bed every morning. Best ignored. Ha ha Gerry liked the exiledbum2 bit suits him/she down to a "T". |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 00:56
| Well said Jayjan (and goodnight) |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 01:01
| Your welcome Gerry and a goodnight to you also. |
Posted By: administrator
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 09:55
Sorry but we do not intend to judge which jokes are good ones or not. We only keep an eye on this thread to check if there are no abusive comments or politically incorrect statements.
I agree this section of the forum has got nothing to do with Albufeira/Algarve but, since it is well categorized as users’ chit chat / jokes, we understand visitors will only read and participate if they look for this kind of disparate topics. If you find a joke is not funny or of bad taste, ignore it or maybe say why you feel that way and perhaps post a "better" one yourself. Even if we'd prefer regular users would stick more to the main subject, we don't feel like judging and blocking slightly or completely unrelated replies in this segment of the forum. We trust users will restrain themselves from being rude and aggressive to each other. So many people, so many opinions... [sigh] ------------- Albufeira.com Admin |
Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 13:37
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I do try to stick to topic, but sometimes after a hard day at work, it's nice to come on here and chat a bit with a few different folks and lighten matters with the odd quip now and again. I've been quite poorly recently and found coming on here helped keep me cheerful. I've also made good friends on here who I see over in Albufeira from time to time which wouldn't have happened without the "chit chat" amongst us, so thank you to admin for allowing us a little leniency. ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 15:34
yes.....i agree whole-heartedly...even though it is a site regarding Albufeira and surrounding areas it does need a little place where folk can chat-chit-chat and joke amongst themselves about topics which are not associated with Albufeira at all,i dont know what the problem is. we all stick to our topics, i know they lead astray slightly but what forum does,nt. it wont be long before the sour-grapes who come on here perhaps twice a year and complain and end up with us all getting booted off. probably the same folk who complain on here are the same who complain to the BBC over something or nothing. WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE.get a grip,get a life ,lighten up. struth its just a forum on a place where lots of people love visiting,living and stuff.
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Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 16:49
| I have this feeling that Exiledbum3 is a Chelsea supporter, so God love him, if your team were beaten 3 - nil by Man united you might not find the jokes funny either. So don't worry Exilebum2 we know you don't mean it. And just to brighten you up I think Chelsea will finish in the top four and Liverpool will be champs. |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 22:56
| Gerry, Carlsberg will be pleased, Liverpool Champs. |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 15/January/2009 at 23:38
| Jayjan this is the area for jokes, isn't it . Just kidding Carlsberg I really would like them to win the title for a nice change. |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 16/January/2009 at 00:14
| Well Gerry if you have working brain like me, and i am sure you have, YES it is, corny jokes or not. Regards Liverpool, I too hope they win the Championship, it will make a change from ManU and Chelsea. I live in Manchester like Carlsberg, but dont support that famous team, my teams are, dare i say Bolton Wanderers & Man City, not doing too well at the moment, but maybe when Man city get Caca (Spelling) they may improve, saying they are going to pay some exhorbitant amount of money for him, aint it nice having a rich man as the owner. |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 16/January/2009 at 15:11
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Sorry to disappoint folks but as much as i would like my footy team to win the premiership i do not think they will, Man united will pip us to the post on the last day of the season,united will snatch it with a 97th minute penalty earned by that Real Madrid bound winker ronaldo...MURPHY'S I,M NOT BITTER.
anyway as stated before lighten up...just before xmas i was a bit fed up of this forum due to a couple of erm people, but thanks to support from other members i realised i shouldnt let saddo,s get me down.
Liverpool vs Chelsea 1st february....bring it on.
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Posted By: mystery
Date Posted: 16/January/2009 at 19:14
I agree!
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Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 21/January/2009 at 01:31
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Good Doctor The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.' Joe laughed, ' That's right, how did you know?' 'Been i n the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got y ou, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second opinion - PRICELESS |
Posted By: mrandyd
Date Posted: 25/January/2009 at 21:23
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A new Middle Eastern crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV was refused permission to broadcast The Flintones. A spokesman for the channel said: "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi do" |
Posted By: mrandyd
Date Posted: 25/January/2009 at 21:24
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Where does Kylie get her kebabs from? ... Jason's Donnervan |
Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 26/January/2009 at 20:23
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Loved the flintstones one. Have told it to everyone at work today, they thought it an absolute hoot. Totally harmless and very, very funny, well done. ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: gerry
Date Posted: 27/January/2009 at 15:21
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A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland stream in Scotland. The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water mun, it's foo o' coo's sh*te n pish.' The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English.... repeat that in English.' The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.' |
Posted By: mrandyd
Date Posted: 01/February/2009 at 19:38
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I had my son baptised today. The vicar was dressed in a gorilla costume Seemed strange at first, but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. |
Posted By: Guests
Date Posted: 03/February/2009 at 03:10
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An englishman walked into a bar.  he was taken to hospital and had 10 stitches inserted.
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Posted By: Wireman
Date Posted: 03/February/2009 at 21:23
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Won £10,000 on the lottery last Saturday and the wife asked me to take her somewhere expensive so I took her to the petrol station. ------------- Regular Visitor |
Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 03/February/2009 at 21:31
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Deja Vu? ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: Wireman
Date Posted: 03/February/2009 at 21:49
Sorry Avril,wires crossed .------------- Regular Visitor |
Posted By: Avril
Date Posted: 03/February/2009 at 22:01
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Whey hey, no bother. Glad folks on here are still happy to post jokes. Some topics have had the dampers put on them. Funnily enough I didnt start this topic but I'm really glad folks take the time to stop by and have a bit of a laugh, coz without laughter life would be sad, Avril x ------------- Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu! |
Posted By: alan&alice
Date Posted: 04/February/2009 at 22:56
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A guy with land near Auckland buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
------------- http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652 |
Posted By: Milly_Molly
Date Posted: 06/February/2009 at 22:19
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Apologies if this has already been posted (as it was sent to me by a fellow forum member. )
Two newly weds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discoloured. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
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Posted By: peteknopp
Date Posted: 07/February/2009 at 19:37
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Posted By: peteknopp
Date Posted: 07/February/2009 at 19:39
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A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a
field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the loo, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's loo when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.' 'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.' -------------
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Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 07/February/2009 at 20:09
http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNman000"> excellent Pete. http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb114_ZNman000&utm_id=7922"> |
Posted By: Jayjan
Date Posted: 07/February/2009 at 23:19
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Wheelie Bin
An Aussie refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it. So, against the rules but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie. 'G'day, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector 'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realizing the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'. 'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed. 'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?' 'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin. ' I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister........!' |
Posted By: Milly_Molly
Date Posted: 08/February/2009 at 11:41
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Brilliant Jayjan!
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Posted By: sneezy
Date Posted: 08/February/2009 at 20:05
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