Avril wanted a joke!

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   Lady: 
Do you really have to drink that much?

Man: 
Yes

Lady: 
How much a day?

Man: 
3 six-packs

Lady: 
How much per six-pack?

Man: 
about $10.00

Lady: 
And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 
15 years

Lady: 
So 1 six-pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six-packs a day which puts your 
spending each month at $900.  In one year, it would be $10,800 
correct?

Man: 
Correct

Lady: 
If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years 
puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: 
Correct

Lady: 
Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a 
step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for 
the past 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you 
drink?

Lady: 
No

Man: 
Where's your  Ferrari?

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tiganut Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1480	Post Options Post Reply Quote tiganut Report Post Thanks(2) Quote Reply Topic: Avril wanted a joke! Posted: Yesterday at 15:02
	Lady: Do you really have to drink that much? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: 3 six-packs Lady: How much per six-pack? Man: about $10.00 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 six-pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six-packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No Man: Where's your Ferrari?
	He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

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Jock Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 07/November/2011 Location: Near Edinburgh Status: Offline Points: 158	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jock Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: Yesterday at 14:32
	Watson said to Sherlock Holmes "Why have you painted the door yellow? Holmes replied "It's a lemon entry, Watson".
	Do unto others before they do it unto you.

malagabob Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Regular Joined: 28/December/2006 Location: S Wales Status: Offline Points: 272	Post Options Post Reply Quote malagabob Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: Yesterday at 14:22
	http://metro.co.uk/2013/06/18/hairy-stockings-aimed-at-deflecting-unwanted-male-attention-3845865/?ITO=facebook
	Never put off something that you could do today

tiganut Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1480	Post Options Post Reply Quote tiganut Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 17/June/2013 at 16:15
	A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this ****** badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs....."Your badge, show him your ****** BADGE!!"
	He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

tiganut Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1480	Post Options Post Reply Quote tiganut Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 13/June/2013 at 10:45
	Kevin walked into the doctors office and the receptionist asked him what he had ? Kevin replied Shingles, she told him to have a seat. 15 minutes later the nurse came out and asked Kevin what he had? Kevin replied Shingles.. The nurse then gave Kevin a blood test, blood pressure test, and an electrocardiogram. She then told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently waiting in the nude and asked Kevin what he had? Kevin replied Shingles, The doctor asked 'Where' Kevin replied ' Outside on the lorry' where do you want me to unload them?
	He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

tiganut Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1480	Post Options Post Reply Quote tiganut Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 10/June/2013 at 07:07
	SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag. *Why is divorce so expensive?* Because it's worth it. *What do you call a smart blonde?* A golden retriever. *What do lawyers use for birth control?* Their personalities.. *What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?* 20 kgs. *What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?* 45 minutes. *What's the fastest way to a man's heart?* Through his chest with a sharp knife. *Why do men want to marry virgins?* They can't stand criticism. *Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?* Because those men already have boyfriends. *What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?* After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. *What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?* The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18.. *What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?* 'Are you sure it's mine?' *Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?* Breasts don't have eyes. *What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?* A speech impediment. *What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?* An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. *How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?* Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO! *What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?* A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this **...' *Why is there no Disneyland in China ?* No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
	He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

Jayjan Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Top Contributors Joined: 21/November/2006 Status: Offline Points: 6141	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jayjan Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 09/June/2013 at 22:28
	Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.
	Polli the dancing cat strikes again.

alan&alice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 07/May/2006 Location: Uk/albufeira Status: Offline Points: 1149	Post Options Post Reply Quote alan&alice Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 09/June/2013 at 20:59
	An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'... 'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..' It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' 'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!.
	http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652

tiganut Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1480	Post Options Post Reply Quote tiganut Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 07/June/2013 at 16:22
	All this talk of Dale Farm reminds me of the time I was chatting up a gypsy girl in a nightclub when she asked me if I'd like to go back to her place for a good time. She wasn't kidding. I went on the waltzers, the speedway and the ghost train. I even went home with a goldfish
	He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

tiganut Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1480	Post Options Post Reply Quote tiganut Report Post Thanks(2) Quote Reply Posted: 07/June/2013 at 16:20
	Subject: Married life Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK! I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next cp could spell disaster. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *****!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?" A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
	He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

Andrew Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Top Contributors Joined: 27/December/2008 Location: UK or Algarve Status: Offline Points: 3266	Post Options Post Reply Quote Andrew Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 04/June/2013 at 23:17
	Message to the person who stole my trainers whilst I was having fun in the bouncy castle... "Bloody well grow up will you!"
	Andrew

alan&alice Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 07/May/2006 Location: Uk/albufeira Status: Offline Points: 1149	Post Options Post Reply Quote alan&alice Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 04/June/2013 at 21:53
	Reminds me of one of the 1st stories I was told here over 20 years ago. International Special Forces competition. Your mission.... Go into the woods, locate and bring back a rabbit. US Navy SEALs using GPS, satellite imagery, and a bit of Napalm head of into the forest. 3 hours later they come out with a rabbit. (slightly burnt) The SAS then head in with night goggles, a compass and a shoelace. 1 hour later they are back with their rabbit. The GNR head off into the woods in their 35 year old UMM, 2 cases of Sagres and a shot gun. 20 minutes later they are back with a squirrel that's screaming " OK OK I'm a rabbit" (lifted from a certain facebook page some of you may know)
	http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652

tiganut Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1480	Post Options Post Reply Quote tiganut Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 03/June/2013 at 12:48
	An oldie,but still a chuckle... Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be fked if he needed glasses".**
	He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins

nosivad Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 25/March/2011 Status: Offline Points: 92	Post Options Post Reply Quote nosivad Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 22/May/2013 at 12:52
	I wonder who will be playing "buttons "

tiganut Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1480	Post Options Post Reply Quote tiganut Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 22/May/2013 at 07:43
	With Rolf Harris, Jimmy Tarbuck, Freddie Starr, Ken Roach, Stuart Hall and Jim Davison due to arrive soon, you've got to admit that the prison Christmas panto is going to be a blinder this year!!
	He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins