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Avril 
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/February/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 4415
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 Posted: 14/June/2012 at 21:43 |
Ha ha, I should be so lucky!! I remember the days but now not even my two mutz come a running when I whistle!!
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Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 09:31 |
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Sky sports breaking news: The England team visited a Ukraine orphanage today " Its heart breaking to see their sad faces with no hope" said Igor aged 6.
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 09:34 |
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Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says ...
"Mario, all the Italian men I know use three
things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a small can of red paint, a small
can of blue paint, and a shovel."
Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one
of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls
I've ever seen!', you hit her with the shovel.
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Super__Ally
Senior Member
Joined: 10/September/2010
Location: Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 906
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 12:21 |
Overheard in a Bristol Street this morning
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Ally
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 15:47 |
Old,but still funny. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges
were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said , ' Where am I, Cathy?
'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is
Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What
gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and
Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are
you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie
there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This
myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:
Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I
forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do
you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We
both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You
do?
WITNESS: Yes ,
voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now
doctor , isn ' t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep , he doesn ' t
know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son
, the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He ' s 20 , much like your
IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you
present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting
me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what
were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting
laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had
three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were
boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your
Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And
by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a
guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus
was in town I ' m going with
male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how
many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead
people?
WITNESS: All
of them.. The live ones put up too much of a
fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your
responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS:
Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you
recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started
around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If
not , he was by the time I
finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are
you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that
question?
______________________________________
And
last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:
No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,
Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and
practicing
law.
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Jayjan
Top Contributors
Joined: 21/November/2006
Status: Offline
Points: 7400
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 16:27 |
AV & Elaine have already seen this but I couldn't resist posting it on the forum. A bit naughty but funny. Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
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Polli the dancing cat strikes again.
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uksviper
Newbie
Joined: 07/August/2011
Location: Portugal
Status: Offline
Points: 86
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 19:46 |
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priceless tiganut , only in america
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TheBundys
Newbie
Joined: 09/June/2012
Location: United Kingdom
Status: Offline
Points: 46
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 20:53 |
Some belting jokes in there, especially the last couple 
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mrandyd
Regular
Joined: 04/November/2008
Location: Birmingham
Status: Offline
Points: 214
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Posted: 17/June/2012 at 10:18 |
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I've just become a professor of palindromes.
From now on I'll be known as Dr. Awkward.
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mrandyd
Regular
Joined: 04/November/2008
Location: Birmingham
Status: Offline
Points: 214
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Posted: 17/June/2012 at 10:19 |
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I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the last 98 days.
It's on its last legs now.
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Avril
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/February/2008
Status: Offline
Points: 4415
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Posted: 17/June/2012 at 16:48 |
Banned from Sainsbury's
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
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Consistently inconsistent, Esse sou eu!
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Chrissy63
Senior Member
Joined: 06/July/2009
Location: NOTTINGHAM
Status: Offline
Points: 1152
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Posted: 17/June/2012 at 17:01 |
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Lifes a beach
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 18/June/2012 at 07:10 |
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Old miser gathers his lawyer, doctor and priest as he is about to die.
He asks each of them to agree to do something important for him after he has died.
His relatives he views as feckless and he has no charitable bones in his body. He gives each man a brown envelope containing a third of his life savings - £250,000 each - and says that they are to see that he takes it with him when he dies by putting it into his grave with him. They each reluctantly agree.
On the day of the funeral, as the interrment has ended, each man approaches the grave and drops the envelope in before the gravedigger starts to refill the hole. As the 3 have lagged behind to do this, they end up sharing a lift to the wake.
In the car the priest breaks down. Confesses to the other two that he took half of the money and gave it to the poor of the parish according to their needs. The Doctor then says he is glad that the priest has confessed because he too saw no sense in money mouldering in the grave, and donated 75% of the money to the local hospital's scanner appeal.
The lawyer is disgusted & upbraids the other two for breaking the sacred trust imposed upon them in such an underhand way. He is proud to say that into that grave went his personal cheque for the full amount.
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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janet
Senior Member
Joined: 20/October/2007
Location: northern irelan
Status: Offline
Points: 591
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Posted: 18/June/2012 at 18:55 |
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As the euro 2012 football tourney draws closer Oxo will be making a new red and white Oxo cube dedicated to the england squad it's called a laughing-stock
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owners direct p5473
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Chrissy63
Senior Member
Joined: 06/July/2009
Location: NOTTINGHAM
Status: Offline
Points: 1152
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Posted: 18/June/2012 at 18:56 |
Naughty, naughty Janet
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Lifes a beach
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Avril wanted a joke!