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Topic ClosedAvril wanted a joke!

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DICEYUK View Drop Down
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Joined: 05/April/2011
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/August/2014 at 11:59
Senior trying to set a password!:
 
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USER: “cabbage”

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USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!”

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USER: “YouBastards50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”

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I hate how peopleï compare Frank Zappa to God. I mean, he's cool and great and nice and everything, but he's no Zappa.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/August/2014 at 16:18
Graeme from "The Goodies" has been forced to turn down the offer of a life peerage, apparently his wife is not keen on her title...
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/August/2014 at 16:23
As in Lord & ,oh never mindWink
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/August/2014 at 11:45
I went to see War Horse yesterday, bit disappointed as it turned out to be a Geordie musical about Madness...
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/August/2014 at 17:18
Originally posted by Algarveaddick Algarveaddick wrote:

Graeme from "The Goodies" has been forced to turn down the offer of a life peerage, apparently his wife is not keen on her title...



Lady Garden !
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/August/2014 at 13:01

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

 

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

 

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.  '

 

Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

 

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

 

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

 

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and  demands an explanation.   '

 

Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' 

 

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.' 

 

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/August/2014 at 13:13
It's reported that two Frenchmen were filmed teasing a squirrel and then kicking it over the edge of the Grand Canyon.
 
Come on, get real, I mean, two Frenchmen squared up to a squirrel?
Andrew
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27/August/2014 at 11:28
Ice Bucket Challenge, two year old.
This is funny, watch to the end and speakers needed.
 
 
Andrew
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27/August/2014 at 12:27
It's brilliant could not stop laughingLOL
caz
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01/September/2014 at 07:26

Paddy took 2 stuffed dog's to the Antiques Show,

"Ooh" said the Expert, this is a very rare pair, produced by the celebrated John Brothers taxidermist,

they operated in London at the turn of the last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?

Paddy replied "Sticks"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/September/2014 at 08:48

A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.

 

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09/September/2014 at 06:47

Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.

"She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.He had all the right muscles in all the right places. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said,"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10/September/2014 at 07:04
Daniel walks into a bar in Dublin,
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three
more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .........
Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Daniel replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de
odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we
promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Daniel becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way .......
Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are
finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round,
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your great loss."
Daniel looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to
laugh,
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!
Tis me, ...................
I've Quit Drinking!" 
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03/November/2014 at 09:46
Prince William has told Paparazzi to stop trying to take photographs of Prince George, and has threatened court action.

William is quoted as saying, "My son must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible ...

Now get away from our castle ..."


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/November/2014 at 09:56
A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?" 

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."


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