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Super__Ally
Senior Member
Joined: 10/September/2010
Location: Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 906
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Posted: 12/February/2014 at 12:20 |
Post deleted
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Ally
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Super__Ally
Senior Member
Joined: 10/September/2010
Location: Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 906
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Posted: 13/February/2014 at 20:37 |
The
bricklayer accident report.
On
the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story
building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which
when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks
down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was
attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the
accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded
at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally
impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the
broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only
slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in
Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained
my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the
excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same
time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of
the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I
began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the
third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured
ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my
luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me
enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost
my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Bricklayers eh, you’ve just got to love them.
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Ally
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Super__Ally
Senior Member
Joined: 10/September/2010
Location: Scotland
Status: Offline
Points: 906
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Posted: 17/February/2014 at 09:27 |
All you can eat and one drink allowed per person.It could only happen in America.
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Ally
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 03/March/2014 at 21:36 |
Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training.
One says to the other 'I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race.'
There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said 'I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left.
What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are knackered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win.
What do you think of that?'. said the dog.
The horses looked at one another and said 'WOW, a talking dog!'
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 03/March/2014 at 21:39 |
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed Instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave You a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 03/March/2014 at 21:48 |
Two monkeys are sat having a bath together. One monkey suddenly goes " Oh, ah,ah, er,er, oh, ah,ah, er,ah,ah."
The other one says, put some cold water in then you daft sod.
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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alan&alice
Top Contributors
Joined: 07/May/2006
Location: albufeira
Status: Offline
Points: 1384
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Posted: 03/March/2014 at 21:50 |
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http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Black Cat
Newbie
Joined: 14/February/2010
Location: Gateshead
Status: Offline
Points: 152
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Posted: 07/March/2014 at 13:49 |
I'm really struggling to get used to the ‘Fat Boy Slim’
voice pack on my sat-nav. I seem to constantly be going around in circles.
Right here, right now, right here, right now.
Since I downloaded the AC/DC pack for my satnav, it keeps navigating me to
the M62 eastbound and telling me “you're on the highway to Hull!â€
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 07/March/2014 at 16:40 |
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband. What do you have in the basket?" he asked. "Kittens," little Suzy said. "How old are they?" asked Miliband. Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet." "And what kind of kittens are they?" "Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile. Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognising the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens. So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes Sir," Suzy said. "They're U.K.I.P. supporters." Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS." Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Linda
Senior Member
Joined: 29/June/2011
Status: Offline
Points: 826
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Posted: 07/March/2014 at 19:25 |
tiganut wrote:
"I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
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.. .. and their brains removed ''
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Algarveaddick
Top Contributors
Joined: 27/December/2008
Location: Portugal
Status: Offline
Points: 5049
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Posted: 07/March/2014 at 19:32 |
Linda wrote:
tiganut wrote:
<div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: rgb40, 40, 40; font-family: Verdana, Arial, tahoma, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.399999618530273px;"><div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><b style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="color: rgb0, 0, 0; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 18pt;">Â "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 1.4em;">
| Â </span><div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 1.4em;"> </span><div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 1.4em;"> </span><div style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 1.4em;">.. .. Â and their brains removed ''</span> |
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J2me
Senior Member
Joined: 18/January/2007
Status: Offline
Points: 1582
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Posted: 07/March/2014 at 22:06 |
Still, it is very funny
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 08/March/2014 at 10:17 |
Didnt mean to get political,just pasted a funny gag! Quick one on the chuckle brothers to balance things out
David Cameron and Nick Clegg walk into a bookshop and ask for a book on coalitions.
The storekeeper says, "It's over there on the left... sorry, I mean the right... No! I tell a lie. We sold out."
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 08/March/2014 at 10:35 |
jobserve used to sponsor West Ham United FC.
They wanted Liverpool but nobody there understood what they did
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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tiganut
Top Contributors
Joined: 29/July/2009
Status: Offline
Points: 2010
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Posted: 08/March/2014 at 10:42 |
My wife and her Weight Watchers group went on a trip to New York at the weekend. On Sunday morning, they all went to Tiffany's for breakfast.It was just like that famous film...
Gone in sixty seconds.
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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