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Topic ClosedAvril wanted a joke!

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tiganut View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15/May/2014 at 09:52
America are sending out a crack unit to find the kidnapped school girls in Nigeria.


Britain are sending Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.....
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10/June/2014 at 23:48

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
So Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
And I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
And we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
And I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
So that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,
It seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
Little children
Of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little s@*# is adorable.

http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10/June/2014 at 23:52
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your knickers on .. Just stick out your tongue!"

(I'm gonna duck nowOuch)
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/July/2014 at 13:39
Sir Bobby Charlton was asked who would win in a match between the 1966 team and the current England team.

He thought for a minute and then said, "I think the '66 team would, by one goal."


"Just one goal?" 




"Yes, well some of us are getting on a bit," Sir Bobby said, "And some of us are dead."
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/July/2014 at 13:47
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. 

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. 

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. 

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. 

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. . 

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.' 

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.' 

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 

'How do you feel now,' she purred. 

'OK' I replied. 

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!' 

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ ' 

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!! 

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Arse : Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t?' 

'I certainly have' I answered, 

'I missed the kick'
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22/July/2014 at 10:20
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his  way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels
 . 
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
 
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
 
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
 
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
 
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
 
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
 
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
 
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
 
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22/July/2014 at 18:25
LOL
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22/July/2014 at 23:13
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23/July/2014 at 00:11
Gerry,  U in town?
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23/July/2014 at 20:06
A mate of mine became very interested in growing Bonsai trees. He eventually bought a lock-up shop and went into business. He's been so successful that he's now looking for smaller premises!!!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23/July/2014 at 20:08
I went on one of those "Once in a Lifetime" cruises - never again!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23/July/2014 at 23:59
Originally posted by TomUK TomUK wrote:

A mate of mine became very interested in growing Bonsai trees. He eventually bought a lock-up shop and went into business. He's been so successful that he's now looking for smaller premises!!!


Proper LOL at that one. Pinching it...
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26/July/2014 at 10:40
I admit, I pinched this one elsewhere.....  Credit to 'Ingles'

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WoM2bHfr48

Wink


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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/August/2014 at 07:48
Morris is on his deathbed.  He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will.
 
His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside.
 
"So", he says to them:
 
"Bobby, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses..."
 
"Tammy, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza  ..."
 
"Steve, I want you to take the offices over in City Center  ..."
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
 
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,
 
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property? He had a paper round!"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/August/2014 at 07:57
Isn't it strange how really sexy, beautiful women drive cute little cars? Which reminds me the MOT is due on the wife's Transit.
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