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Avril wanted a joke!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Guests Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25/December/2008 at 12:44
Originally posted by Milly_Molly Milly_Molly wrote:

Whose there?
 
I WANNUP
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jayjan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25/December/2008 at 13:24
IWANNUPLAYSANTACLAUS
 
Best wishes  to everyone on the forums
Boas Festas, Feliz Natal e um prospero Ano Novo
 
 
 Christmas%20Card           Happy%20New%20Year 





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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Wireman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25/December/2008 at 22:43
IWANNUPOO
(but I'm not going yet Carlsberg,there's a bottle of wine to finishBig%20smile
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote gerry Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25/December/2008 at 23:52

Summary of Life 
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
 
 
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 
2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
 
 
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you  once got from a roller coaster. 
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
 
 
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 
3) You are Santa Claus. 
4) You look like Santa Claus.
 
 
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants. 
At age 12 success is . . . having friends. 
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license. 
At age 35 success is . . having money. 
At age 50 success is . . having money. 
At age 70 success is . .. ... having a drivers license. 
At age 75 success is . . having friends. 
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jayjan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26/December/2008 at 13:46
Excellent Gerry  Thumbs%20Up
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jayjan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26/December/2008 at 23:50
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well- dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she asked. '

I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most
expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam.
'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row
and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man.
'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' The man replied, 'South Dakota.' 'Really!' she said. 'I have family in South Dakota.'

'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am his attorney.
He asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
 
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jayjan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/January/2009 at 14:05
Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. 

  
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold 
  
a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. 
  
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. 
  
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. 
  
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. 
  
Connor began to cry. 
  
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old 
  
what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!"


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Wireman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/January/2009 at 20:29
Tommy Cooper Joke:Loads more to followLOLSilly.

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Wireman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03/January/2009 at 16:31
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'
 
'It's not unusual.'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Milly_Molly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/January/2009 at 07:39




An old one that will either give you a laugh or a groan...


How do you make a hormone?












Poke her in the eyes!   

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote gerry Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/January/2009 at 12:22
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat, and the other sat next to him in the
middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes
and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I
need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat,
I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the
American's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That
looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe
and spat in it.
When the American returned, they  all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into
his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on? This fighting between our  nations?
This hatred?.... This animosity?.... This spitting in shoes and
pissing in cokes?"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Wireman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/January/2009 at 15:09
 A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really
beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:
"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which
airline she works for. "
 Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
 She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself:" Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned
towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself,
while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth as
Silk?"
This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the F*** do you want?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AdiLee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/January/2009 at 18:07
Hi, Wireman, Will have to look out for her when we fly out with ryanair next Tuesday,...LOLLOLLOL
only one week to go
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Avril Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07/January/2009 at 13:42
Here's a guddun for those that know me, I'm off the vinho!
2013 - oh no 50!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jayjan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07/January/2009 at 16:47
have you been eating porky pies Avril or tellin em.
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