Avril wanted a joke!

IWANNUPLAYSANTACLAUS

Summary of Life    GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.  2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.  3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.  4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.  5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.  6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.  7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.  8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.  9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.  10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.     GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.  2) Wrinkles don't hurt.  3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.  4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.  5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.  6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.     GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.  2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.  3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.  4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you  once got from a roller coaster.  5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.  6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.  7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.     THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus.  2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.  3) You are Santa Claus.  4) You look like Santa Claus.     SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.  At age 12 success is . . . having friends.  At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.  At age 35 success is . . having money.  At age 50 success is . . having money.  At age 70 success is . .. ... having a drivers license.  At age 75 success is . . having friends.  At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well- dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she asked. '

I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most
expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam.
'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row
and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man.
'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' The man replied, 'South Dakota.' 'Really!' she said. 'I have family in South Dakota.'

'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am his attorney.
He asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Tommy Cooper Joke:Loads more to follow.

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

An old one that will either give you a laugh or a groan...


How do you make a hormone?












Poke her in the eyes!   

 A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really
beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:
"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which
airline she works for. "
 Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
 She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself:" Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned
towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself,
while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth as
Silk?"
This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the F*** do you want?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!"

Here's a guddun for those that know me, I'm off the vinho!