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Avril wanted a joke!
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tiganut View Drop Down
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Points: 1426 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote tiganut Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03/July/2012 at 14:05
My wife called me and said, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything?"

"It depends" I replied, "Did you drive or walk?"

She said, "I walked."

"I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons please."
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tiganut View Drop Down
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What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?

I.O.U.
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tiganut View Drop Down
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Just got my tickets to the Olympic women's beach volleyball final!

Unfortunately, it's Iran versus Saudi Arabia.
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tiganut View Drop Down
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What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms... Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
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Derek B View Drop Down
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Points: 66 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Derek B Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10/July/2012 at 15:38
Englishman scotsman and irishman in a phycology lesson teacher asks englishman whats the opposite of sorrow he says happiness then asks the scotsman whats the opposite of deppression he says happiness then he asks the irishman whats the opposite of woe he says fe****g giddy up!
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I'm going to write a novel called Fifty Shades of Earl Grey.

It's going to be hot and steamy.
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tiganut View Drop Down
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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A southerner was on holiday in Lancashire when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall of a church. Next to it was a sign which read ‘£1,000 per call’. The priest told him it was a direct line to heaven and that for £1,000 the visitor could talk to God. The traveller saw the same ‘phone and call charge in several places as he toured the Red Rose county.

Travelling down the Calder Valley into Hebden Bridge, he saw the same golden telephone in the local church. This time the sign under it read ’50 pence per call’

He was surprised, so he asked the priest about the sign. “Father, I’ve travelled all over Lancashire and I’ve seen the same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it’s a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £1,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in Yorkshire now, lad - it’s a local call.” 
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The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his 
hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh ****, we're ****ed!”

Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.”
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At a bar, and having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around,
faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:
"Listen here good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place,
my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,
sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love
it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:
"No kidding, I'm in Banking too!  Which one are you with?" 
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Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings 
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Wife to husband.   So you fancy a threesome.
Husband                 Yeah.
Wife                        Well you know that hansom guy in the shop, how about him.

  that soon shut him up.Tongue
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On arriving in Scotland for their Olympic soccer match last week, the North Korean Womans Football Team Manager was heard to say,
"the city I like the most in England is Glasgow" 
 
Wee Jimmy McKay (Flag Specialist at Hampden Park) was heard to say
"Oh is that a fact"
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'



 
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Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy. 

"Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night". 
Archie nods approvingly. 
I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?" 

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.
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