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Avril wanted a joke! |
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Avril 
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Joined: 27/February/2008 Status: Offline Points: 4311 |
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 Posted: 14/June/2012 at 20:43 |
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Har har! I can manage smiley's!!!
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2013 - oh no 50!!
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Wireman
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Joined: 17/April/2007 Status: Offline Points: 875 |
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Posted: 14/June/2012 at 20:49 |
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I meant the blokes coming a running when you whistle
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Regular Visitor
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Avril
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Joined: 27/February/2008 Status: Offline Points: 4311 |
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Posted: 14/June/2012 at 21:43 |
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Ha ha, I should be so lucky!! I remember the days but now not even my two mutz come a running when I whistle!! |
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2013 - oh no 50!!
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tiganut
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Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1429 |
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 09:31 |
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Sky sports breaking news: The England team visited a Ukraine orphanage today " Its heart breaking to see their sad faces with no hope" said Igor aged 6.
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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tiganut
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 09:34 |
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Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says ...
"Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel." Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?" The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', you hit her with the shovel. |
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Super__Ally
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Joined: 10/September/2010 Location: Scotland Status: Offline Points: 558 |
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 12:21 |
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Overheard in a Bristol Street this morning
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Ally
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tiganut
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Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1429 |
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 15:47 |
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Old,but still funny.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , ' Where am I, Cathy? ' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No , I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes , voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn ' t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn ' t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He ' s 20 , much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I ' m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
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He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Jayjan
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Joined: 21/November/2006 Status: Offline Points: 6096 |
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 16:27 |
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AV & Elaine have already seen this but I couldn't resist posting it on the forum. A bit naughty but funny.
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night. In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?" So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear." The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?" She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come". |
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Polli the dancing cat strikes again.
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uksviper
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Joined: 07/August/2011 Location: Portugal Status: Offline Points: 80 |
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 19:46 |
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priceless tiganut , only in america
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TheBundys
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Joined: 09/June/2012 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 33 |
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Posted: 15/June/2012 at 20:53 |
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Some belting jokes in there, especially the last couple
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Making a return in early September..........god help you haha
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mrandyd
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Joined: 04/November/2008 Status: Offline Points: 108 |
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Posted: 17/June/2012 at 10:18 |
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I've just become a professor of palindromes.
From now on I'll be known as Dr. Awkward. |
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mrandyd
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Posted: 17/June/2012 at 10:19 |
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I've been slowly torturing a centipede for the last 98 days.
It's on its last legs now. |
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Avril
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Joined: 27/February/2008 Status: Offline Points: 4311 |
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Posted: 17/June/2012 at 16:48 |
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Banned from Sainsbury's Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. |
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2013 - oh no 50!!
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Chrissy63
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Joined: 06/July/2009 Location: NOTTINGHAM Status: Offline Points: 1044 |
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Posted: 17/June/2012 at 17:01 |
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Lifes a beach
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tiganut
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Joined: 29/July/2009 Status: Offline Points: 1429 |
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Posted: 18/June/2012 at 07:10 |
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Old miser gathers his lawyer, doctor and priest as he is about to die.
He asks each of them to agree to do something important for him after he has died. His relatives he views as feckless and he has no charitable bones in his body. He gives each man a brown envelope containing a third of his life savings - £250,000 each - and says that they are to see that he takes it with him when he dies by putting it into his grave with him. They each reluctantly agree. On the day of the funeral, as the interrment has ended, each man approaches the grave and drops the envelope in before the gravedigger starts to refill the hole. As the 3 have lagged behind to do this, they end up sharing a lift to the wake. In the car the priest breaks down. Confesses to the other two that he took half of the money and gave it to the poor of the parish according to their needs. The Doctor then says he is glad that the priest has confessed because he too saw no sense in money mouldering in the grave, and donated 75% of the money to the local hospital's scanner appeal. The lawyer is disgusted & upbraids the other two for breaking the sacred trust imposed upon them in such an underhand way. He is proud to say that into that grave went his personal cheque for the full amount. |
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