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Topic ClosedAvril wanted a joke!

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tiganut View Drop Down
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Joined: 29/July/2009
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/May/2012 at 11:12
An old gentleman takes his stunning model girlfriend into a jewellers & tells her to pick any item.The lady picks a necklace worth £5000,he asks the jeweller if he has anything better & is shown a £40000 diamond bracelet.He agrees to buy it,& pays by cheque,but says he will pick it up on the Monday to allow the cheque to clear.
On the Monday morning he gets a call from the jeweller
 'You bugger,there is only £25 in that account'
'I know,but let me tell you about my weekend'
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/May/2012 at 20:25

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a woman drink?”The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/May/2012 at 20:29
rolling on the floor excellent.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15/May/2012 at 21:28
If anyone is interested. I will be signing books at Waterstones from 3pm up until i am removed by security.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/May/2012 at 21:55
Paddy dies &goes to hell. The Devil shows him 3 doors: "choose one & you'll spend eternity there." Behind door 1 boiling water was dripping from the ceiling, the 2nd room has hot coals all over the floor, in the 3rd an old man is getting a blowjob from a busty naked blonde. Paddy says: "I'll take door 3 please." The Devil taps the blonde on the shoulder & says: "You can go now, Paddy's taking over"!
http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17/May/2012 at 11:46
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins. ..... If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17/May/2012 at 12:41
Ha ha ha :)
Live life to the max!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17/May/2012 at 22:10
Cohen is walking alone on a beach. just kicking the sand with his feet, when he stubs his toe.  Bending down he finds its a old lamp. Sure enough when he rubs it a Genie appears.
Thank you master, for releasing me I can grant you 2 wishes.
Shouldnt it be 3 Cohen says.
 Recession the Genie says.
Whats your first wish master.
Cohen  starts drawing a map of the middle east in the sand.
Heres Israel. Syria. Jordan Iran Egypt, why cant they all get along. I wish for peace.
Cant do that says the Genie. The hatred goes back thousands of years. Whats your second wish.
Well said Cohen my wife has never given me a BJ, Grant me that wish
The Genie thinks for a while, then says Lets have a look at that map again.

Never put off something that you could do today
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17/May/2012 at 22:56
Malagabob whats BJ Wink (My hubbies initials of his first two names, as far as I know being all innocent and all that) maybe the genie is a thick as me Big smile Good one though . Nowt like having a bit o fun

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18/May/2012 at 10:15

Don't ask Jayjan!!!!!! At the hairdressers it would be a blow dryWink  I don't get the punchline though???

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18/May/2012 at 10:20
ummmmm easier for the Genie to sort the Middle East Crisis than to get his wife to give him a Blow ummm Dry?
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 09:12
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person:
 

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.
It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.








http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 09:24
The Black Bra (as told by a woman) 
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. 
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. 
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting
them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. 
Here's how it all went. 
My engaged friend : 
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with
a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. 
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' 
Then we made passionate love all night long. 
The mistress: 
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat,
under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat
he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. 
Then I had to share my story: 
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, 
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. 
When he came in the door and saw me he said, 

You`ll love this

WHATS FOR DINER ZORRO 
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 09:26
Took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did
not bat an eye in his response.

He said, "Got drunk once and ****** a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." 
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 09:33
A brave Knight decides to join the Holy Crusades and ensures his wife is fitted with a chastity belt and gives the key to his best friend. 

He tells the friend "If I have not returned after 4 years, unlock my wife and let her live a normal life. 

The Knight then leaves on horseback and about 30 minutes later, sees a cloud of dust behind him. 
He waits for it to get closer and lo, it is his best friend. 

"What's wrong?" asks the brave Knight.

His friend replies, "You left me the wrong key!"
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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