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Avril wanted a joke!

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tiganut View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tiganut Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 09:26
Took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did
not bat an eye in his response.

He said, "Got drunk once and ****** a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tiganut Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 09:33
A brave Knight decides to join the Holy Crusades and ensures his wife is fitted with a chastity belt and gives the key to his best friend. 

He tells the friend "If I have not returned after 4 years, unlock my wife and let her live a normal life. 

The Knight then leaves on horseback and about 30 minutes later, sees a cloud of dust behind him. 
He waits for it to get closer and lo, it is his best friend. 

"What's wrong?" asks the brave Knight.

His friend replies, "You left me the wrong key!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tiganut Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 09:37
It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the man without hesitation.

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse."
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tiganut View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tiganut Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 10:29
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tiganut Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 13:12
Rangers FC 2013 Line up - Naismith, Naifuture, Naiclass, Naimoney, Naistadium, Naihope, Naitrophies, Naiprospects, Naifans, Naimanager, Naiplayers.
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Andrew View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Andrew Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 13:14
The link Neil has posted above to Amazon review page for the male hair remover product is hilarious, not for the squeamish mind, but hilarious!
Andrew
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote alan&alice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 22:57
 
Murphys lesser known rules
 
 
 
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

 

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

 

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

 

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

 

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

 

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

 

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote alan&alice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24/May/2012 at 23:01
 SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him,  she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
 
ROMANCE
 
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
 
 
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
 
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
 

OLD FRIENDS
 
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"


SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M3. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
 
 
DRIVING
 
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroads. The traffic light was showing red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
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tiganut View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tiganut Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25/May/2012 at 11:25
Aussie man and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon so we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

He reflected on this for a moment and said, 
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it." 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tiganut Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25/May/2012 at 11:27
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. 
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. 
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. 
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 


1. What do you put in a toaster? 

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3. 


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4. 


4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines! Fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"? 

Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question. 


5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What! Was the name of the bus driver? 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Chrissy63 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26/May/2012 at 12:14
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an aboriginal.

They were given a word, allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem.

The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."


The crowd went crazy! No way could the aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent,
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and tim buktu."



The aboriginal won - CHEERS
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Avril Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26/May/2012 at 18:50
Ha ha, good one ChrissyBig smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Avril Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26/May/2012 at 19:00
Everyone have a look at the link Tiganut put on, as Andrew said it is absolutely hilarious and I laughed til I cried!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Avril Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30/May/2012 at 21:03
Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money
on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them ?1 million each severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.

Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed


2) They MUST buy a new British car.

Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed



4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -

Crime rate fixed



5) They MUST buy ?100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....

And there's your money back in duty/tax etc



It can't get any easier than that!



P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their
falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances



If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.



Also......

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home..



This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment,
wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.



They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly
if they fell, or needed assistance.



Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and
returned to them.



A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.



They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.



They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling,
pool and education.



Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.



Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.




Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.



There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would
have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.



The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay ?600
00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.



Think about this (more points of contention):



COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow
epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of
Cumbria?



And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to
locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we
should give each of them a cow.

-----------------------------------------------------------



Also;

Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending
someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk
of
Britain to speak up!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Wireman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01/June/2012 at 12:52
The last 3 managers of Liverpool have been an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman, no wonder they are a joke.
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