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Topic ClosedAvril wanted a joke!

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tiganut View Drop Down
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Joined: 29/July/2009
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/November/2015 at 07:06

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11/November/2015 at 07:17

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'what was that for?' he asked.

'that was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name ‘Laura Lou’ written on it,' she replied.

'two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings, 'he explained.

'oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

 

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'what was that for?'

'Your horse phoned!!!!'
He Who Dies With The Most Toys Wins
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23/December/2015 at 09:50
The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday - his funfair is next monkey. Wink
I hate how peopleï compare Frank Zappa to God. I mean, he's cool and great and nice and everything, but he's no Zappa.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23/December/2015 at 09:52
Originally posted by DICEYUK DICEYUK wrote:

<span>The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday - his funfair is next monkey.</span>
Wink




Good one!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/April/2016 at 23:52
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,

heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.

So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly.

"She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17/April/2016 at 09:06
Enjoying the jokes!
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18/April/2016 at 10:33
I have just spent half an hour removing all the German names from my phone - I wanted to make it 'Hans free'.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18/April/2016 at 13:47
In a train from London to Manchester an American was giving the Englishman sitting across from him a hard time.
The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy, you set yourselves apart, keep your stiff upper lip and think
you are better than the rest of us.

Look at me said the American, I'm me, I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some 
Spanish blood, what do you say to that?

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied
How very sporting of your mother.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/May/2016 at 12:55

A fellow sat on the barber's chair "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine...

The barber began to lather his face , while a woman with the biggest,

firmest, most beautiful real breasts that he had ever seen knelt down

and began to shine his shoes. 

The fellow said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some

time in a hotel room."

 

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

 

The fellow said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

 

She said, "You tell him; you're closer"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13/May/2016 at 10:20
Doctor's consultation;
Patient - Doctor, I'm having trouble with me aviaries
Doctor - Aviaries? Don't you mean your ovaries?
Patient - No, it's definitely me aviaries.
So the doctor examines her.........
Doctor - You're right madam, it is your aviaries.  There's definitely been a cockatoo in there.
It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear. Douglas Adams
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27/June/2016 at 10:46
Brexit......What a fat Yorkshire lass does when she sits on a wooden bench.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/July/2016 at 07:07
Had a txt off the wife earlier saying she was in casualty. Well I watched the whole 60 minutes and I haven't seen her once. I'm watching the recording to see if I missed her and I'm starving.
Never put off something that you could do today
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/July/2016 at 07:10
Came home from work, there was a note off the wife on the TV "It's not working, I'm leaving". Plugged it in,switched on perfect picture stupid mare.
Never put off something that you could do today
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/July/2016 at 08:00
Like it.LOL
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/July/2016 at 08:44
I've got two tickets for the Euro finals on Sunday but, sod it, hadn't realised it was my wedding day so obviously I can't go!!
Get in touch if you want to go instead of me, it's St. Mary's Church, Dudley and the girls name is Sarah....
Andrew
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