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Topic ClosedAvril wanted a joke!

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tiganut View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/March/2014 at 16:09
I went to my Jewish neighbour Methuzelah's funeral this afternoon and as I solemnly watched the coffin being lowered, I noticed the wreaths on top spelled the name Bob.

"Was that his nickname?" I asked his grieving widow. 

"Oh, yes." She said between sobs. "A recent one."

"Since when?" I asked.


"Since it was fifty quid a letter." She replied.

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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/March/2014 at 07:55
a dog went into the job centre,and said he was looking for work the lady said the circus has vacancys the dog asked her why a circus would need a plumber.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18/March/2014 at 14:49
http://www.holidaylettings.co.uk/rentals/albufeira/481652
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18/March/2014 at 19:47
An 85 year old woman was caught shoplifting in a London supermarket. When she appeared in court the judge asked her what she had stolen. A tin of peaches she replied. Why did you steal peaches the judge asked her. Because I was hungry the old woman replied. How many peaches were in the tin the judge asked her. 6 she replied. Ok I sentence you to 6 days in jail. But before the judge could actually pass sentence the old ladies husband asks the judge if he could say something on behalf of his wife. Go on then says the judge. Well your honour my wife also stole a can of peas. 
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18/March/2014 at 20:45
I  love Ebay, i sold my homing pigeons 8 times last month
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01/April/2014 at 22:26
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breathe and say,
“99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins, "One... two… three…"
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/April/2014 at 12:43
My korean girlfriend just made me a pie from scratch....................im gutted I loved that dog.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/April/2014 at 12:44
I was devastated to find out last night that I'd lost by best mate to heartburn.

I cant believe Gav is gone.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/April/2014 at 12:46
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of a Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods o find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06/April/2014 at 11:52
Terrible news from the Nestle factory i where a worker was seriously injured when a pallet of white chocolate bars fell 50 feet and trapped him underneath for more than 5 hours.
He tried in vain to call for help but whenever he shouted "the Milky Bars are on me" everyone just stood around and fcukin cheered..!!!
Big smile
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/April/2014 at 17:46
Old school photos bring back so many fond memories


I hate how peopleï compare Frank Zappa to God. I mean, he's cool and great and nice and everything, but he's no Zappa.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/April/2014 at 22:24
Looking good! And what a great smile from you
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09/April/2014 at 11:39
Couple of indigestion tablets were in the pub having a drink. The barman calls time and one gets up and says, “it’s goodnight from me”, and the other says, “and it's goodnight from him”.
It was The Two Rennies…
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09/April/2014 at 11:45
Originally posted by Black Cat Black Cat wrote:

Couple of indigestion tablets were in the pub having a drink. The barman calls time and one gets up and says, “it’s goodnight from me”, and the other says, “and it's goodnight from him”.
It was The Two Rennies…
 
That made me laughLOL (nice one)
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30/April/2014 at 09:34
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. 

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag. 

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,
Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
 

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor. 

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
 

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
 

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
 

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!' 

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?' 

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!' 

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor

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